PBR & Snow Don’t Mix

Whilst I was thinking about this week’s wintery mix of ice and snow I was reminded of another blustery winter when I was small.

My grandmother was a connoisseur of fine beers such as PBR and always had a few on hand. If not, she was on her way to get some or brining some home. At some point during this particular winter she ran out of her beloved PBR and had to go to a fine establishment on the near east side of Indy called the Detour where she was often either working or hanging out in her free time. She ended up bring a case home but of course she had to purchase it warm from said establishment because of Indiana liquor laws which do not allow the sale of cold beverages by such establishments for take home.

When she came in from her trip I was in a generally bored mood as I had been cooped up in the house for a few days due to the weather. My grandmother asked me if I wanted something to do and she was even going to pay me $2 for doing it. I jumped on that immediately.  She explained how her beverages were not as frosty as they should be for her to enjoy them. She then proceeded to explain how I could help her out by gathering a five gallon bucket of the fresh fallen snow from the backyard and put her beverages into the bucket which would chill them rather quickly compared to the refrigerator.

I, being a young child wanted to do anything to please my grandmother and make $2 to boot so I agreed that I would help her out. I began by getting dressed up very warm in all my winter garments including the little yellow boots so popular back in those days. On my way to the back yard I grabbed the five gallon bucket and got right to work. I thought to myself that this was going to be the easiest $2 I ever made and hey. My grandmother will be able to enjoy her frosty beverages in no time.

Once I had the bucket full of clean snow I proceeded to drag it in to our back porch where I found a huge blue and silver box labeled PBR. There were 24 of those suckers in that box and I wanted to make sure I could get all of her beverage into that snow filled bucket that I could. So, I began methodically opening each and every last one of those 24 cans and pour them into the nice clean snow. I made it all the way to can 24 before my grandmother came to find out why it was taking me so long.

I had never before in my short life seen my grandmother so angry and at the same time shocked. It reminded me a little of Fred Sandford from Sandford and Son whenever Fred was having a big one and grabbed his chest and staggered backwards. She ended up throwing the entire PBR slushy out into the back yard (she made me do it).

Well, suffice it to say that I never did get my $2 and my grandmother was always a little more specific whenever she gave me instructions on tasks she needed me to complete. And that is how I learned that PBR and snow do not mix.

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